i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
