i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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