Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
