sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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