she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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