I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
