I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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