I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
