Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I still have a little drunk in my system
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
