Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize