alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
