He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
