so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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