Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
