The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
