i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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