2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
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