I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's official drugs can't kill me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
