No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
