she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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