please come you make the beer taste better
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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