I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
