I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
