Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
