im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
