I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
