my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
