My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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