i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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