Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize