How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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