I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize