hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's official drugs can't kill me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
