I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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