Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
