you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
