I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
