Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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