the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
