Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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