shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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