Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
