he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
