Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize