I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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