When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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