And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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