I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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