mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize