so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
