Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize