The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
