Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
