when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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