I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
