I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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