I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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