I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
